Tag Archives: Spontaneous sex

Surprise sex doesn’t work with anxious people

Why do anxious people avoid sex? Am I alone in avoiding sex? Sure, I have other reasons for avoiding it, but I feel certain the anxiety is part of the problem.

It dawned on me yesterday.

Patrick was getting cozy fairly close to dinnertime. Now, Patrick has been working 13-hour days for the last two weeks. I have hardly seen him at all. We didn’t get to have our evening meal and TV program together, and we missed that. So we had planned to have Sunday night dinner together and watch Top Gear. But if we were going to have sex…then the schedule would get messed up. We wouldn’t get to watch Top Gear. We wouldn’t do the thing we were Supposed To Do Next.

This is it. This is why any hints towards sex usually meet a wall of avoidance. I can’t handle changes in my plans.

Ridiculous you say. Yes, it is. But seriously – this is the problem. Sex very often is spontaneous. ‘The Media’ certainly portrays sex as always being spontaneous (and perfect). Sex that is planned lacks allure. Putting sex in your schedule is akin to wearing pocket protectors in terms of attractiveness. That or staring at your smartphone while you’re on a date. To schedule such a romantic detail is to be a nerd, a control freak, a heartless businessman, or an incompetent. I envision a high strung woman in a pencil skirt adding the sex date to her smartphone before getting back to work and ignoring her partner.

Does it have to be this way?

Could there not be room for scheduled sex? The secondary problem with a schedule is that then those with anxiety have lots of time to worry about their sexual performance before the date even starts. I’ve tried scheduling ‘date night time’, and I end up not enjoying the date night because I’m worried that we have to include sex. This is challenging.

But at least I know a big reason why I always say no. Surprises trigger a contingency volcano in my brain. I do not have any answers yet. I will have to ponder this.