I’ve been meds free now for about two weeks. There are a lot of tiny details that have changed.
For starters, thank you so much to those who sent me thoughts of encouragement and support! Thank you thank you thank you! It was so incredibly kind of you to reassure me and I am so glad I’m not alone in this. Thank you.
The brain zaps appear to have stopped. I don’t get sudden shivers anymore, and I don’t feel high.
It’s funny to think back to when I started taking the drugs. After they really kicked in, it felt like waking up. The world was alive again. The air had warmth and action had meaning. Yet I now feel, not reawakened, but unmuted. I had woken but not emerged. I find my thoughts shaking hands with a really quite cheerful enigma, a sincere camp counselor that’s been around enough to know when to be cynical and when to be upbeat.
On the outside, apparently this comes across as – well my dad calls it ‘sharp’. Interrogation has revealed he, and others, think I have become a much larger bird now – a raptor with a freshly honed beak that likes to sit on your arm and be cozy, but you can’t quite shake the impression that it knows something and is secretly grinning with a cocked eyebrow at plans of world domination. More plainly, I talk a lot more, without a filter, and I say some rather mean things.
And I don’t really care. I like it.
I can’t help but like this smiling, mischievous, expansive figure. She has opinions. She has big feet. She has: defiance, a double, twelve-years-aged in an oak barrel, bold and appreciated by true connoisseurs.
So I’m meeting, or re-meeting, and certainly re-introducing, this facet. That’s part of it.
But in the name of anecdotal evidence, what about my other symptoms?
Sleepiness: Largely unchanged. Hard to tell due to being in a different time zone. I’d like to say I’ve noticed less of the head bobbing, but I haven’t read much for work recently, so that could be another factor.
Guilt: Yep, still there. Still pretty darn loud.
Banana indigestion: So far so gone! Haven’t had any on an empty stomach yet.
Anxiety: Worse. Easily irritated, and my overly confident self doesn’t seem to mind taking it out on others. Apparently the tag line, “look I’m not mad at you, I’m just mad and you’re there” isn’t comforting. I get angry more easily, and I’m worry quite a bit. But it isn’t interrupting my work very much.
Sex: This is the bit you’ve all been waiting for. Yes, sex is better!! You know how there are things, and some things turn you on, and then when those turn-on-things happen, it’s almost like additional physical pleasure? Ya, that didn’t used to happen. That happens a lot more now. Which only serves to make me all the more interested in sex, boosting my already better sex drive. Bam.
Depression: I’m not. Wow. Seriously. I am the luckiest person alive. I need to write that on a post-it and stick it on my computer to remind me how lucky I am, not as a guilt-ifying punch to the stomach, but because that kind of reminder actually sounds like a good idea right now.
So that’s the upshot so far. Pretty damn worth it, as you lovely people told me it would be. I’m going to go eat a banana on an empty stomach. Boo yeah.