Surprise sex doesn’t work with anxious people

Why do anxious people avoid sex? Am I alone in avoiding sex? Sure, I have other reasons for avoiding it, but I feel certain the anxiety is part of the problem.

It dawned on me yesterday.

Patrick was getting cozy fairly close to dinnertime. Now, Patrick has been working 13-hour days for the last two weeks. I have hardly seen him at all. We didn’t get to have our evening meal and TV program together, and we missed that. So we had planned to have Sunday night dinner together and watch Top Gear. But if we were going to have sex…then the schedule would get messed up. We wouldn’t get to watch Top Gear. We wouldn’t do the thing we were Supposed To Do Next.

This is it. This is why any hints towards sex usually meet a wall of avoidance. I can’t handle changes in my plans.

Ridiculous you say. Yes, it is. But seriously – this is the problem. Sex very often is spontaneous. ‘The Media’ certainly portrays sex as always being spontaneous (and perfect). Sex that is planned lacks allure. Putting sex in your schedule is akin to wearing pocket protectors in terms of attractiveness. That or staring at your smartphone while you’re on a date. To schedule such a romantic detail is to be a nerd, a control freak, a heartless businessman, or an incompetent. I envision a high strung woman in a pencil skirt adding the sex date to her smartphone before getting back to work and ignoring her partner.

Does it have to be this way?

Could there not be room for scheduled sex? The secondary problem with a schedule is that then those with anxiety have lots of time to worry about their sexual performance before the date even starts. I’ve tried scheduling ‘date night time’, and I end up not enjoying the date night because I’m worried that we have to include sex. This is challenging.

But at least I know a big reason why I always say no. Surprises trigger a contingency volcano in my brain. I do not have any answers yet. I will have to ponder this.

2 thoughts on “Surprise sex doesn’t work with anxious people

  1. Geoff Mays

    That makes much sense; although I did not see any comment in there about emotion. When people love each other, it can translate to taking the time needed to connect. So on date night you take the time to connect verbally over dinner, emotionally over shared activity (i.e. Top Gear), and finally physically as in sex. You are not judged for dinner conversation, nor for Top Gear choice, love says you need not be judged for sex – just connect. You may not worry about date night dinner, so with equal lacking pressure put sex on date night, and let love connect the emotion. I know, easier said than done, but something to potentially allow a new perspective in the approach.

  2. ardentmarbles Post author

    Definitely easier said than done. Whether or not the pressure comes from my partner, I imagine that it is there just the same. The pressure comes from me. The ‘shoulds’ come from me. So trying to extricate those factors is a challenge.


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