Love letters #2 – To muscle clenching reflexes

Dear Muscle Clenching,

I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for everything you have done for my body. Without you, I would probably be 5 to 10 pounds heavier on a regular basis.

Your constant activity keeps me disproportionately strong in bizarre areas, like my jaw, or my abdomen. I know you have a fantastic relationship with my levator scapulae, but I’d really like go rock climbing with them. They’re kind of my bros. And they aren’t very good at the bros before hoes thing, so I was hoping you might be the bigger person and relinquish your iron grip on their schedule.

My traps I surrender to your ministrations. I’m used to having a neck three inches shorter by now.

I appreciate that you have made my jaw as tight as a piece of India rubber, without grinding my teeth. I probably have the bite power of a carnivore, and it’s all thanks to you helping me practice every day. When I die and scientists examine my zygomatic bones, they’ll probably think I had a significant portion of raw meat in my diet, thanks to the extra bony deposits. What a cool puzzle to leave the poor anthropologists!

I admit that I have doubted your wisdom as concerns my lower back. The spasms, cramps, and inflexibility have all caused me difficulty over the years. But I know you have my best interests at heart. You have obviously foreseen that I have talent as a piano mover, a career path that I have foolishly neglected to investigate. Besides, combined with the intense daily workout of my abdomen and pelvic floor muscles, I’m clearly going to have the strongest baby-pushing muscles that the nurses have ever seen. They’ll say, “Push!” and with one grunt of my Hulk-like powers, pop, the baby will be born. Amazing.

I was wondering, do you think I could give you a bit of input on the muscles I would prefer to exercise? It would be really handy to have stronger butt muscles, and not just because of that new bathing suit. When the zombie apocalypse comes, as your bestie, Future Forecaster, keeps warning us, I need to be able to run. Climbing would be great too, and I love to rock climb, so maybe we could clench my forearms a bit. I’d like to spread your love around my body!

Thanks for taking my thoughts into account. I know you have your favourite spots, but a good relationship needs a bit of give and take, right?

I am eternally grateful for your loving care. You use up all that extra energy I don’t need blasting around my bloodstream. I certainly don’t need to stay awake for four hours straight, or to relax on a regular basis. No, you have taught me the Way of the Clench, and I love you for it.

Your tense project-girlfriend, Christina


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