Situation: Left work early, 3:15. On bike ride home, realized the listlessness, brink-of-tears, vague various urges to do self-destructive and stupid things were amounting to a depressed sinkhole in my day/week.
3:30. Here we are. Bonus points so far – haven’t fallen off my bike, rode into traffic, cried, blamed my bicycle for everything wrong, or slammed the fridge door when I realized I forgot to buy milk.
On the depression and BPD side of the ring, we have cutting, running away, wandering aimlessly, blasting animals with a jet from the hose, moping and sleeping.
Therapy lessons going through my head – letting yourself go into the funk makes it harder to get out. You’ll feel better after rock climbing tonight. You should distract yourself.
Shadow Me – go hide in a corner, you should be doing work you dork, you’ll never get things finished, there’s nothing to eat, you were going to get milk dumbass, way to go forgetful, fuck it.
Somewhere in there Me – why????? Why am I feeling like this? I haven’t finished a major project recently. I’ve seen friends AND family recently. I’ve had a break from work. What the fuck?
In the middle, we have crying, cleaning, playing video games, cooking, putting away laundry. Not horrible, but not exactly what I’d normally do.
Distraction is key to avoiding overpowering emotions and getting through a crisis. It is ok to cry and feel the way you do. Try being mindful of your body – well done, your shoulders just dropped 6 inches. It’s ok to need breaks.
Video games are a waste of time. You’ll burn the food. You just cleaned, and your desk is too big a problem to start. Oh, hey, shoulder angel: shut the fuck up. She WANTS to feel sad.
Yeah, I want to feel sad! Why can’t I just cry? I can FEEL it there. Is it too bloody humid for me to cry?
On the healthy, and what I would have done if I didn’t suddenly feel like everything was a tragedy, side, is finishing my data entry for the festival project, and reading an article by Prof. Nick Enfield on linguistic diversity.
That would be awesome, feel free. Don’t worry if you can’t.
Worry if you can’t. Fucker.
3:50. Hmmm, what will I do?
3:55. Holy crap, by random chance (no seriously, this wasn’t on purpose), I actually followed therapy option whatever, and watched a video opposite to my feelings, and feel a bit better. This good feeling is rapidly going downhill as I think about how fabricated this is…
10:52. I do feel better, after climbing. And I got through the work on the festival project entirely, before I left. The magic of Disney? Of DBT?
At least that is a relief. The only downside of the evening has been that my boyfriend reminded me that he’s out of town on a work gig this weekend. Yikes! I pledge to blog each day he is gone to see how the anxiety and clinginess is going. So far, I have avoided actually saying “Don’t go”, but I’ve told him that I’ve wanted to say things that would make him feel guilty and am trying not to. Erugh, it’s a start.