Graduation?

I’ve been in Dialectical Behavioural Therapy for the past 20 weeks. I am graduating this Wednesday.

There is so much I want to write still about DBT, about the other therapy groups I’ve been in, about what has happened over the past couple of years, but it’s hard to put that in mind with the terror of being alone again on the horizon.

Of all the groups that I have been in, DBT has been the best. It has been the most joyous, open, talkative, supportive one. It has also been the only one that told me where to get off, so to speak – when I was acting in my extremities, acting irresponsibly or pouting. It has shown me the most useful skills I have found so far for dealing with distress and keeping myself health. I just, love it, it’s been amazing.

It’s scary to leave the support. It’s scary to lose the routine, the feedback, the monitoring. On the one hand, I feel the healthiest and strongest I’ve felt in four or five years. On the other, I feel exposed unto myself, shaky and uncertain. I feel more able and ready to take responsibility for myself, to get better – but I know it’s all on me now.

I have all sorts of things in the past to write about still, but I will try to write more regularly about the present as well. My road to recovery seems clearer now, I’ve got a Yellow Brick Road but without the high pitched singing, thank goodness.

I always seem to end present discussion with “we’ll see”. We’ll see. Eeeep.

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